TESTIMONY

‘It is Impossible for God to Fail’ written by Femi Abimbola is a book I recently finished reading.  I am glad to have read it when I needed it.  It was given to me as a gift from a friend at Church, but it was also a gift from God.

I was  physically, emotionally and spiritually depleted at the time having made a big decision that I should never have made alone.    I had been having a lot of difficulties over the past few years with my physical health and emotional well being and I was exhausted.  During this time I gradually slipped into  depression and made a big mistake about moving house.  I realised too late that moving house was not needed but I had already committed to the sale and couldn’t back out.  I was overwhelmed by regret as it was a home I loved and had all I needed and God had provided for me abundantly and I had thrown it all away because I was so preoccupied with me, me, me.      As a consequence I went into severe anxiety and panic, and sufferered a mental breakdown on top of being depressed.  I daily thought I was losing my mind, was unable to sleep, eat or relax and was in a very dark place.  I was permanently in a state of mental and physical exhaustion but could take no rest.  I would wake in the night in a state of panic. I was tormented.   I felt I had let God down.  When I should have turned to God I relied on my own ways.  I should have known better and couldn’t understand why as God had always been there for me and I had gone off and done my own thing and now look what a mess I had created.   

 My husband tried to support me as best he could, said he had never seen me this way before.  I had gone from someone who appeared confident to an emotional wreck.  I felt I had been taken over and was another person.   I felt I was also increasing his stress levels and was dragging him down with me and I was a burden,  I felt helpless and hopeless and couldn’t believe that I had made such a big mistake at such a late stage in my life and walk with God and was full of regret, sorrow and despair that I should have turned to God sooner and asked God to help me through prayer but my mind was distracted and confused and my focus was on me and I had neglected to seek God first.  I was struggling to pray because I could not do anything but cry.  I was full of sorrow.  I was in a deep pit of my own making, full of self pity.  I couldnt forgive myself.  I was a wreck.

I could not understand how I could have done that and felt deeply that I had let God down too because I had not waited on his timing to help me in this situation, had done something He never wanted me to do. My feelings had overtaken me and I had left God behind in the process. My feelings and anxiety had completely overtaken me.  It had all been about me and my anxiety, and my feelings and I realised how selfish I was but had never thought this about myself before, so it stunned me to realise how utterly selfish I had been.   

I realised more than anything else I needed to refocus on God and not myself.  Although I was depressed I had also been selfish in focusing on me and not on God.   My only hope was that God would give me back some peace in my heart and cleanse me of my pride.  I had a lot of excuses I could use to say how I got myself into this pitiful state but basically it was time to mature and get back in touch with God, not on a superficial level but right back to where I once was with him on a deep, personal level, trusting him for my every need.  He had never let me down before, never, even in the darkest hour of my life as a bereaved parent when I felt my life was completely over He stepped in and opened doors for me and gave my life a purpose again in my job as a nurse for 30 years and I felt I was doing God’s work in helping others and helping myself in the process.    

This book, It is Impossible for God to Fail,  is beautiful in it’s clarity and simplicity, explaining that no matter what God is faithful.  God is merciful.  God is involved in every detail of my life and He is too faithful to fail me even when I fail Him.  I had neglected God but he would never neglect me.  I had forgotten him but he would never forget me.  I had messed up big time but it was no surprise to God. He knows everything.  He knew I would mess up big time.  He is involved in every detail of my life and knows the number of hairs on my head. I didn’t need to keep telling God how sorry I was like a broken record, I just needed to read his Word and trust He will deliver me and remember how He has done so whenever I have needed Him before and that his mercy is never ending.  I needed to remember how good he was to me when I needed him most in my life and how he had put me just where I needed to be for the opportunities he had waiting for me.  I had known all this once before.    Basically I needed to remember that God loves me regardless even when I can’t love myself.  I still wonder how I could have forgotten all this at my age but I will leave that with God.  All I need to remember is that He is in control not me. I knew I had a tendency to be a control freak but this was a whole other level.

The words in this book spoke to me clearly and reminded me of what the Bible says about God, that even if I am unfaithful, God remains faithful.  I felt I had let God down and walked outside his Will for me, but this book, and immersing myself back in the Word of God reinforced that I can trust in God no matter what my mistakes and that nothing can ever separate me from the love of God.   God would forgive me when I couldn’t forgive myself for being such a fool at such a late stage in my life when I should have known better.  

It is a book that I found uplifting when I was in a deep despair about what I had done.   I am slowly, in my point of view, finding my way back to God, I believe he keeps reminding me as he always has ‘Be Still and know that I am God.’   I am finding comfort again in His loving arms, and this book was a help to me in that process and I pray that it will be a help to others also to remember to pray fervently and persistently about everything, all the time,  no matter how big or small the probem.  It reminded me that ‘Everything’ about us matters to God, He is our Creator and our Loving Father and we should hand over every matter in our lives to God and wait on his counsel and timing, no matter how big or small, it all matters to God because He loves us.  He is our heavenly Father.  He sacrificed his own Son, Jesus,  so that we might be saved.   

 This book helped remind me Never to give up and never believe that you are alone without hope, when we have such a loving, personal God who wants to help us in all areas of our life and that God is in Control.  No situation is a surprise to Him, he knows every detail of our life.  He knew before I knew.

The scriptural references in this book reinforced all the above and were a great comfort to me and I am finding my way back to God. I am still in the struggle but this book also offers exercises about how to strengthen faith and trust in God.  I must surrender all concerns to God. Replace all bad thoughts with good ones and Persevere.  I must persevere and mature and that process is ongoing.  

I am still in that ongoing process.

I am grateful to God for this book. I am grateful to my husband for his ongoing support.  I am grateful for the welcome of other other believers in the New Wine Church and to Pastor Femi but first and foremost to God, always.  

In Jesus name.  Amen.

Anne